Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
