I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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