I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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