So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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