you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
