I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
