how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
