My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
