Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
