Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
