Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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