So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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