Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
