home. puking in laundry basket.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize