i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
