"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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