Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
