Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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