My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
