So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Who put my cat in the fridge?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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