I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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