I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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