my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
