you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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