Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
