Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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