I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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