You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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