Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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