I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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