Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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