bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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