you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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