Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
