i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
