The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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