I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
