Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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