I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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