Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
