Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
