why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
