my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
