Im at strip club and am horny
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
