You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
