Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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