I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i came on her dog
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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