Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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