So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
