Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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