My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You can't just leave with hair like that
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
