What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
