I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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