The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wear drunk well.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
