happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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