i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i came on her dog
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
