great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
