textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
