Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
