while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
