Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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