I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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