i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize