Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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