Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This is not my ceiling
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
